imaythrowuponyou | TWENTY SEVEN

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TWENTY SEVEN | SPAM

[Spam for Kirk]

McCoy had, honestly, not paid a lot of thought to what Flynn graduating meant. He'd been busy, kinda frustrated with general life on the Barge and infirmary stuff, and then Arya had set some stuff on fire on deck, and while that wasn't really concerning in and of itself? He knew she was depressed and wanted to get out of here just as much as the next person.

So after making sure she had that under control and other wardens weren't going to come by and freak out about what was going on, he'd headed back to the infirmary to just kill some time and pretend he wasn't stuck on this piece of shit boat. Usually, if he locked the door and read over some medical journals from back home with some decent coffee in the office, he could sort of trick himself into thinking he was back on Enterprise, or at least give himself the alone time he needed on days like today.

But when he opened the door and turned on the light, he discovered apparently someone else had thought they needed some alone time in the office. Or, really, he'd had to have known McCoy would be coming back in at some point, so maybe he'd wanted the doctor to find him without actually seeking him out.

"Jim?"

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Jim glanced up for a moment and then back down at his hands, turning over this bottle of Andorian ale that he'd had forever. It was the good stuff, the kind that you only broke out during celebrations or really depressing things. He hadn't opened it yet, just passed it between his hands for the past... shit, he wasn't even sure how long he'd been in the office. A while. But then he wasn't really sure what time it was now, so he had no reference point.

"How's Arya?"

"Okay, I guess." He shut the door behind him, just glancing away from Jim for a moment to make sure it was closed before looking back at him. "She's not trying to set the ship on fire." Which he didn't think she would, anyway, but.

Bones hesitated for a moment before sitting down next to him on the couch, not really sure how he wanted to approach this. There wasn't really a good way to ask about what was going on beyond just asking, and there was a part of him that was already really dreading the answer.

"What's wrong?"

"I talked to the Admiral."

Kirk didn't really react when Bones sat down next to him. He wasn't sure how. He wanted to go shove the little girl off the side of the boat, if only because then they'd be forced to stop somewhere and he could get off this boat even for a little while.

"I can't leave."

McCoy just stared at him for a moment. On the one hand, he wasn't really surprised, because if he'd learned anything in his time here, it was that the Admiral was a dick, but on the other? Yeah, it would've been nice for Jim to have a free pass home right now. Hell, he didn't want to stay here any longer, either, and while he was more than reluctant to leave Arya here by herself... he really wanted to go home.

Maybe he was just selfish. Or maybe he just wanted Jim home and safe more than he wanted to stay here any longer than he had to. He'd figured he'd stick around for Arya when Jim decided he'd want to risk it and go home anyway, but.

"What?"

Fuck that, we'll stuff the kid in a suitcase and bring her with.

Jim turned the bottle over again before sighing and putting it down next to him, folding his hands together and leaning into them. He didn't want to say it, saying it made it more real and if it was real, then he didn't know what he'd do.

"I didn't make that deal before Flynn graduated. So.. that was just a freebie, I guess."

"You're kidding." But he wasn't, and he knew it, and good god, he really wanted to punch the Admiral in the face. This was bullshit, this was such bullshit, and he didn't understand why this place was basically designed to break people down until they just literally shattered under the pressure.

He couldn't imagine why anyone would ever consider this place a place they wanted to live.

Kirk shook his head, pushing his fingers tighter into his eyes, like he was trying to block everything out. Or hold something back. It'd been a few hours since the conversation but repeating it was definitely making him feel like he was going to cry.

Alright, maybe he was already sniffling a little.

Oh Christ, Jim was crying. Jim was crying, and he really didn't know what the hell he was supposed to do with this, because there wasn't an easy solution, this wasn't something Bones could fix with medicine or even just by being there. Maybe being there would help, but it wouldn't fix it, and that drove him crazy. It made him feel helpless and angry with himself for not being able to do more. "Jim, hey-"

He put a comforting hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently.

"It's okay. We'll figure something out, I promise."

Jim stiffened for a half second when McCoy touched him, only because he wasn't expecting it and then the tension melted away and he more or less leaned into the doctor. Didn't look at him but it was better than leaning away.

"I can't--I am going to shove that kid off of this ship."

"We'll figure it out," he repeated, biting back the 'don't' that sort of wanted to come out at that, because tossing Arya over the side wouldn't solve anything.

So he just squeezed Jim's shoulder and struggled to find something better to say. He was still coming up short.

"Figure out what?" Kirk hated the way it seemed like his voice cracked as he spoke. Well, actually it did crack but he hated that it happened at all. "I can have a private island if I wanted, I just can't get to it."

And that felt like it was his fault. It wasn't like Arya was an easy case or anything, but maybe if he was better with her, or if he was willing to step away and say no, I can't do this, give me someone easier so we can get out of here, they wouldn't be sitting here right now.

But he'd gotten kind of attached - she was a kid, even if she didn't act like one, and he didn't want to be another person in her life that just ran out because things got rough or whatever - and so they were here, and he just squeezed Jim's shoulder again, staring at a spot on the floor.

It wasn't McCoy's fault she was stubborn. Kirk had been there for two years already with Shego, just trying to force some sense into her head, so blaming McCoy for what was happening didn't really register with him. It was Arya's fault for being a brat and the Admiral's for being an ass.

It really didn't occur to him that it could be McCoy's fault because at least he had the deal, at least he'd put out the effort to try and save him. It was maybe his own stupid fault for doing stupid and reckless things that landed him in places like this.

So he just sniffled again and leaned into his friend harder.

McCoy readjusted his grip on Jim, putting an arm around his shoulders and pulling him closer, encouraging him to lean on him as much as he needed to, rubbing his arm. Bones wasn't really the cuddliest of people most of the time, but he knew how to be if he needed to.

"It's okay."

"It is not. I'm here on the whims of an ass who doesn't even care that I graduated someone for him."

"I know. I know, kid." He really didn't know what to do. It wasn't exactly reassuring, or helpful, and he was just so shitty at sitting around not being able to do anything. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing, you haven't done anything wrong."

"This still shouldn't be happening," he said quietly.

"It's my own fault isn't it. I just jump without thinking and here we are. Stuck because of a technicality."

"Hey-" McCoy let go of him a little so he could actually look Jim in the face and say this. "This is not your fault. The Admiral dragged you back here after-" And he fought through the sudden feeling of tightness in his chest to keep his voice more or less level. "It happened, and he's the one who's dicking you out of getting something you deserve. This isn't your fault."

"If I hadn't been shot, we wouldn't be here. End of story. You're only here because of me."

"Yeah, and I'm gonna be here until we figure this out. I don't care if it takes another ten years, I'm staying on this boat until we can both go home. This is not your fault. It's his."

He tried to force a smile. "And I guess because I'm too damn stubborn to give up on you."

That meant a lot, it really did. "I can't spend another ten years here," he whispered. "I can't spend another ten months."

"I know." Bones carefully pulled him back into a hug, trying to give him something solid to lean against and provide support, because he seemed like he kind of desperately needed it right now. "We'll figure it out. I promise. We're not gonna be stuck here forever."

Either the hug or a drink or both.

"No. But longer and I will shove that kid in a suitcase before I let her dabble around for two years like Shego did."

"We'll figure it out," he repeated, rubbing his back and trying not to think too hard about what Jim was going to do if it started looking like that was going to happen.

"Please stop saying that."

"Sorry."

"Stop saying that too, Bones. I don't want an apology or sympathy or whatever else."

"Then what the hell do you want me to say, Jim? This isn't something I can fix with a goddamned hypospray! The only thing I can fucking do is what we've been doing, and that's obviously not good enough!" McCoy was a doctor. He was supposed to fix things, and help people, and make them better, and right now all he could do was sit there and hope things would get better. And that really fucking sucked.

So sorry, Jim, you're being yelled at a little. Mostly from a place of desperation and concern.

"You don't think it drives me crazy to know what this is doing to you - to all of us - and not be able to do anything to change it? I get it, you're more than allowed to be a selfish ass about this, but good god, Jim, I'm just trying to help, and I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to do that right now."

Sometimes Kirk needed a little yelling.

He pulled away from McCoy when he raised his voice the first time, staring at him for a moment before his shoulders slumped.

"Get me drunk and tell me the Admiral's an ass and humor my sarcastic comments. Don't pander to me."

McCoy huffed out what was probably the world's most frustrated sigh and gestured to the bottle on the floor, scowling at him.

"The Admiral's an ass. There's your goddamn bottle."

"Thank you," Jim said, lacking a lot of force behind that because the effort of it was almost too hard. He reached for the bottle but didn't open it just yet. "What if instead of pushing Arya, I jump off the side?"

McCoy rolled his eyes and just kept right on scowling, because seriously, Jim? "Don't you fucking dare, you stupid ass. I get why you don't wanna be here anymore, but I'd really rather not have to make another deal to drag you back from whatever alternate universe you end up stranding yourself in."

"You'd have to fulfill your first one first," Kirk pointed out with bitterness but that was mostly aimed at the Admiral and not at Bones. "Otherwise, sudden stickler for the rules will laugh at you."

"Don't. Just don't, alright?" He sounded tired, he felt tired, and he really just wanted to be having this conversation back on Enterprise, in his actual office. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to be talking about this, he wanted to go home and have things be normal and bitch at Jim for not being more careful on away missions and fool around on shore leave, and fuck, at this point he even missed Spock, that's how homesick he was.

"I get it, believe me, I do, but I'm gonna be selfish right now and say you don't get to do something like that to me."

"Sorry," Kirk said, realizing how that sounded after he'd said it. "I just want to go home."

McCoy sighed, leaning back against the couch, his voice surprisingly normal. "Me too, kid."

"Let's drink then because this is depressing."

He wasn't really in the mood to get drunk in some ways, but he wasn't really in the mood to argue, either. "Fine."

Kirk wasn't really sure if he was in the mood to drink either. There was something restless settling into his bones, where sitting around and accepting this new fate that was being handed to him wasn't going to be enough. It was like an itch he couldn't scratch enough. Maybe shoving Arya off the side was a joke but he had to do something.

"Do you even have glasses in here?"

"Just coffee mugs." Which he was standing up to retrieve. They were clean, and he handed one to Jim as he sat down next to him again, still looking a little burnt out and frustrated.

"With the way these assholes act when I'm doing my job well? The last thing I need 'em thinking is that their doctor's an alcoholic."

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TWENTY SEVEN | SPAM

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